Its not that I'm afraid. Its knowing that my mother held me in her arms less than 10 times before she gave me up. Its knowing that she came to visit me one day at the agency and walked out knowing she wasn't coming back- but I didn't know. Its knowing her heart had been broken so many times she started a relationship with drugs and renewed her vows every night. Its the experience of being given to a new family and not knowing anything about where you came from. Its the constant fights between mother and daughter, ending in breathless gasps of hurtful words and frustration. Its the memories of the tear-stained cheeks and muffled screams into my pillow so no one can hear me letting out the recollection of being unwanted. Its the tentative strokes of the razor on my hot skin after I take a shower, because why not hurt myself physically as bad as I was hurt mentally? Its watching every single one of my close friends slowly fade into just another person in the crowd. Its remembering the names of all the boys I have loved, and then remembering all the ways they told me I wasn't good enough. Its the way I look into a mirror and I see nothing. Its realizing that its easier to block out the feelings instead of letting people in; because people only come into your life to mess it up, and then they leave. Its not that I'm afraid of love. It's that I no longer know how to.

It

it is the way my breath catches in my throat when i see you walking that walk, a confident aura concealing your mind from anyone who speaks harshly of you. 
it is the way my stomach flutters when your blue eyes catch mine, and i see the curiosity and excitement you have for this world hidden deep within your irises.
it is the way your smell intoxicates me, leaving me desperately trying to inhale your scent in hopes i can breathe in just a little bit more of that attention that i crave so intensely. 
it is the way i stumble when your fingertips brush over the spots you just kissed and you laugh softly because you know what you do to me.
it is the way that last fast kiss after a long deep one leaves me the most breathless out of them all.
it is the way you pull me close in a protective hug, leaving no space in-between us for doubt to creep through. 
it is the way my heart skips a beat when i hear a car drive past my house, and my young naive mind silently hopes that its you coming to whisk me away from reality.
it is the way your smile makes me smile, and mine stays on long after yours has been replaced by the vacant look of a troubled mind and an empty heart. 
i'm not sure what it is,
i don't have a clue where it will lead me,
and i'm almost positive i will not survive it.
the only thing i know for sure right now
is that i'm completely in love with the feeling of it.