You don't notice at first. You're too busy getting lost in his eyes to realize how distant they are from yours. His words seem sincere, so you pay no mind to the hollow echo hovering around them after they have left his lips. His kisses set fire to your mouth, concealing the coldness of his body. His hands squeeze yours like he is trying to get rid of any space in between your fingers in hopes of finally feeling close to someone again. You compliment him and he thanks you, but his thanks lacks all depth, as if telling him he looks nice that day is a progressive as shouting into an empty void of self-consciousness. You'll sit there and scratch his back while he dozes off, his head of scruffy hair tenderly perched upon your chest, and you'll hear him quietly mumble in his sleep. Maybe it's easier for him to be honest with his eyes closed. He'll push you away and then pull you back just as quickly, knowing that although you might not be perfect he still needs you just as badly as you need him. Some days his smile will set a fire in your heart, while other days his harsh words slap you across the face and you find it hard to breathe. His eyes are hungry for someone. For hope, for attention, for love. But if his eyes are a ringing telephone then nobody seems to be home at the moment, Or at any moment. Your fingertips gently trace over his scarred knuckles, and you know that each scar holds a meaning, a story, but you are too afraid to ask how they ended.
You've never felt love before. Never seen it, never believed in it. And although you stay skeptical, you know in your heart that you love him. Your brain is screaming at you to tell him. Your heart strings are pulling you closer and closer until there is no more room to pull. You want to tell him. But you can't. You're afraid. You are afraid to tell this boy you love him because you know that he does not love himself. Your mama always told you- "There is no such thing as being either a lover or a fighter. You can only be both. Because is it even love, really, if you don't have to fight for it?" You will fight for this boy. You will show him you love him without ever telling him in hopes that one day he will be able to look at himself in the mirror and tell himself that he is worthy. He is important. He is loved. And the day he can look himself in the eye and say, "I love you", well, that's the day that you'll do the same.
S.A.
